Haircuts with Akatsuki
by WildWolfMoon
Summary: “Don't. Say. A. Word. Un. I have to work here,” Deidara hissed. “We need funds.”
1. Chapter 1

"I need a haircut..." Pein mused, looking at the sign for Great Clips. "I may be the leader of the evilest organization of the world, but..." he pulled on a lock of auburn hair and sighed at the length. "People just won't take me seriously if I have girly hair..."

Mind made up, he stepped forward and pressed his hand to the cool glass door, the bells tinkling as it swung open.

The door slid shut as Pein entered the room, heading for the desk. A blonde manned the cash register, and Pein leaned on the counter as he waited for her to finishing feeding paper into the register. The shop was pleasantly quiet, and had very few costumers at this time of day. Large windows brought in enough light to make it seem open and airy, and soft, elevator music played quietly in the background.

Pein's gaze turned back to the register when the blonde working it asked, "May I help you?"

"Hi, I'm here for a---DEIDARA?!"

The blonde had glanced up from the paper. Azure eyes, blonde hair, a scope over the right...Deidara was here, wearing the pink blouse and black miniskirt that was the shop's uniform.

Pein was shocked into silence for a moment. "Deidara, what are you---"

The blonde's hand shot forward and covered the leader's mouth before leaning in. His eyes were narrowed. "Don't. Say. A. Word. Un. I have to work here," he hissed. "We need funds."

Pein nodded mutely as Deidara moved his hand away. "Hidana! Costumer for you, un!"

Hidana?

Pein was seriously getting confused when Deidara looked back at him, flipping his hair over his shoulder. "Oh, and here, call me Daria, un."

Pein tilted his head to the side.

"Oh fucking HELL, Dei...."

Pein snapped his head to the right. Hidan was tapping one high heeled foot, arms crossed over his chest as he glared at Pein. Like Deidara, he was dressed in the shop's uniform, but the only difference was that his silvery hair was twisted up and pinned back with a black bow.

"He's all yours, un." Deidara grinned as the befuddled Pein was dragged away before turning back to the register and picking up his "Seventeen" magazine, flipping to the middle of it.

* * *

"Don't say a word," Hidan hissed as he forced Pein to sit down in the black leather chair and tied the cloak over him. Then, picking up his scissors, he continued talking, voice growing high and even more girly than it already was.

"Oh dahling, you'll look _so_ much better with some layhers, maybe some highlights..."

Pein kept his eyes firmly on the floor, not trusting himself to speak as the albino continued to speak. Background music played softly, and Pein could hear the soft snipping of scissors.

"I mean, come her, Irene. Wouldn't he look just _dahling_ with layhers?" he heard Hidan say, and he twisted his neck to look at who the albino was talking to.

"I say you totally should, Hidana," giggled Itachi as he tugged on his miniskirt, long black hair braided through with silver threads. "He'll look, like, totally awesome once you're done with him."

Hidan chuckled as he cut another half an inch off Pein's hair. "I mean, he will look so dahling, because I just have some kind of mad skill at hair dressing, don't I?"

"Totally radical," Itachi agreed with another giggle, batting his long eyelashes as he pulled out a tube of lipstick, sliding it over his already well-painted lips. "And don't you just _love_ my hair? It looks completely, like, epical."

"No, no, no, you need more red in there. It compliments your coloring better," Hidan told him as he snipped a little more of Pein's orange hair.

"You think?" Itachi ask worriedly, looking at his reflection in the mirror in front of Pein. "Oh...I see what you mean. Red'd just bring out my awesomely pretty eyes, huh?"

Hidan chuckled again, and Pein watched as the albino's hands fluffed his hair up, then trimmed it again. He had to admit, the Jashinist was pretty good at cutting hair. "I mean, dahling, red is just _you_ Trust my instincts on this one, honey."

Pein felt his gaze travel downwards as Itachi squealed again. "How about gold? Is gold my, like, color?"

"No, no, no, you need red, dahling. Or white. What are your opinions on light blue?"

"It just TOTALLY takes away from my eyes, Hidana! Or did you not, like, know that by now?" Itachi sighed.

"I'm so sorry, Irene. Heeeeeey, did you hear what Gaara of the sand and Rock Lee did? You'll love this story!"

"Oh my god, they so did not---"

"They, like, so did!"

Pein keep his gaze on the ground as the two Akatsuki members continued to giggle and gossip.

* * *

"Like, thanks for coming!" Itachi called, waving Pein out of the shop, and the leader could see Hidan and Deidara arguing over something inside as Hidan swept up the remainders of hair from Pein's haircut. "And feel free to come back to our epical shop, like, anytime!"

Pein waved over his shoulder, in a bit of a daze as he headed back to the base. That was the weirdest haircut he had ever had.

* * *

**Author's Comments:** This is also Laura's fault.

See, she has a game see plays with Jackson, where she fiddles with his hair and is all "Oh dahling, you need highlights" and stuff.

SO I wondered what it would be like if teh ukes were doing that to someone, and here's the answer to a question you never even thought of!

...and I can't believe I wrote this. Someone shoot me.

Also... ~gaarazpanda669 made an amazingly adorable picture of them in their uniforms! Check it out!


	2. Chapter 2

"That was nerve wracking..." Hidan muttered as they waved Pein out of the shop. "And why are we doing this again?"

"Because, we, like, need the money for our partners' epical Christmas presents!" Itachi squealed, jumping up and down, clapping his hands.

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Stop talking like that, Itachi...or do I mean Irene? There's no one here, un. No need to keep up the act."

Itachi paused. "Good point," he muttered, hands dropping to the sides as he looked down at the ground.

"Hopefully, no one else is coming in today..." Hidan sighed, leaning against the counter holding the register. "Want me to take this, Dei?"

"Sure, you can--" Deidara began but then cut himself off. "OH SHIT, UN!"

"What is it?" Itachi asked, turning around. He had been making his way out of the room when Deidara had yelled.

"KAKUZU is COMING! I see him walking down the street, un! HIDE, HIDAN!" the blonde yelled, jumping on the albino and shoving him under the desk, before standing up and straightening his hair, smiling sweetly as Kakuzu opened the door.

Itachi quickly slunk to the back.

Kakuzu took one look around the shop before his eyes settled on Deidara, and one eyebrow raised.

"Deidara, is that you?"

Deidara flashed Kakuzu a smile and waggled his fingers at the miser. "Who's this Deidara? My name is Daria," he said sweetly, and Hidan grinned when he noticed the blonde had dropped the "un".

"Seriously, Deidara, what are you doing?"

"Irene, another one for you!" Deidara called, pointedly ignoring Kakuzu and gesturing towards the area where Itachi had gone.

Itachi poked his head around the corner. "Ah. Another? Daria, you should, like, know that this is the time I have to give Cheezny her tea," the weasel said crossly as he led out a small black poodle, dressed in a small orange coat, making it look like a mini pumpkin. "Do you WANT my precious baby to think I'm getting off her schedule? Oh, and I have to leave for her, like, aroma therapy with Dr Wang at five."

_I wonder where that came from..._ Hidan thought as the poodle walked up to Kakuzu and began sniffing the banker's leg.

Kakuzu looked from the blonde to the brunette. "There's no way that's Itachi," he said finally.

Itachi scoffed and flipped his braids over his shoulders. "Itachi? Don't be stupid. That is SO totally uncool. My name is Irene."

Itachi then gestured for Kakuzu to follow him and led him to the back. "Now, let's see what I can, like, do for you. Come on, Cheezny, sweetheart!"

"YIP!"

* * *

Deidara had barely breathed a sigh of relief when Kisame walked in, and the blonde jerked himself up, smile in place. "Welcome! Are you here for a haircut? We're completely the coolest shop."

Kisame looked the blonde over for a few seconds. "And when did you become a cross dresser, Deidara?"

Deidara gasped. "How rude," he fake sobbed. "You think...I look like a boy?"

"Well, you are one, or at least as far as we can tell."

"My name is Daria!" Deidara cried, before wiping non existent tears away. "Now, I assume you want your hair cut, so I'm giving you the works..." he trailed off, leading Kisame in the opposite direction as Itachi.

* * *

Hidan popped up the moment Deidara left, straightening his hair as he heard the shop's bell tingle again.

"Welcome!" he crowed to a startled Sasori.

Sasori didn't even pause. "And why are you dressed up in a skirt, Hidan?"

"My name is HIDANA. Oh, Cheezny, shoo..." the poodle had walked out to the front and was yapping at the red head and albino. "Cheezny, be a good girl and go back to Irene. If you wander off, you might miss your appointment with Dr Wang! And you know you don't want THAT...."

"Seriously, Hidan, what ARE you doing?" Sasori presisted, watching the Jashinist chase the small dog around the room.

The silver haired man ignored Sasori as he herded the dog back around the corner. "Now, I think you need LAYHERS, dahling..."

* * *

After the three FINALLY left, somehow without seeing their partners, Hidan collapsed onto a waiting chair, gasping. "Where did you get the poodle?" he gasped out.

Itachi glanced up from his book, which he had taken out the moment Kakuzu had left. "Huh? Oh, Tobi snuck in the back door. I simply used a transformation jitsu on him."

The poodle barked as Deidara raised an eyebrow at it. "Can we leave him like that, un?"

"Well, the jitsu doesn't come off for at least two weeks...so yeah, he's stuck as a doggy for right now," Itachi grinned.

"Let's hope no more Akatsuki comes in..." Hidan muttered.

"At least we can get something for our partners for Christmas...why are they all tightwads?" Itachi griped.

"Wait...Kisame is a tightwad, un?"

"Yeah..."

"And we should close shop for the day..." Hidan cut in. "And what are we going to tell Zetsu about Tobi?"

"That he's on a trip and sent this poodle for a snack, un."

* * *

**Author's Comments:** I just wanted to write more...Tobi is a poodle, XD


	3. Chapter 3

"What are you doing, Hidan?" Kakuzu asked. "And where did that poodle come from?"

Hidan frowned as he looked up at his partner, holding the dog out. "I dunno. It just ran up to me and Deidara on our way back from training."

Kakuzu sighed. "I saw a poodle like that earlier..." he muttered. "At some weird hair salon run by preps who look a lot like Itachi and Deidara."

Hidan gulped, and then tried very hard not to blush when Kakuzu reached out, grabbing the poodle from the immortal. His rough fingers barely brushed the cool, icy white skin, and Hidan fought down the blood rushing to his face.

Kakuzu looked over the poodle, then sighed. "No, I don't think this was that same poodle..." he muttered, and Hidan bit back his smile when he remember Itachi had used gen jitsu to change a few details on Tobi, the poodle.

"Yeah, this isn't the shop's dog....so you and Deidara just found it?"

Hidan nodded, looking down at the ground as his partner set the poodle down. "Um...yes...it just walked up to us..."

"Hey, are you alright?" Kakuzu asked, grabbing Hidan's chin and forcing him to look up. "You're really red....do you have a fever?" He placed his large hand over on Hidan's forehead.

Hidan's blush grew deeper as Kakuzu mumbled to himself. "You're not that warm," he said finally, dropping his hand.

Hidan gaped at the miser for a moment before bending to grab the toodle, as he was now thinking of it, and dashed from the room.

Kakuzu blinked.

"What's his problem?"

* * *

"I'M GOING TO TURN THAT POODLE INTO A PUPPET!" Sasori screeched, throwing a Barbie's head at the dog, who yipped and dashed out of the line of fire. The red head growled at it, eyes narrowing dangerously.

"DEIDARA, YOU ARE PAYING FOR MY COLLECTION OF RUINED BARBIE DOLLS!" the red head yelled, twisting around to face the blonde sitting on the bedspread, playing, as usual, with his clay.

Deidara frowned at the poodle. "Danna, can we get rid of him, un?"

That stopped the red head in his tracks. "Why? You love dogs."

"Not this one, un." The blonde stuck his tongue out at the poodle. "He's annoying, un."

Sasori shrugged. "Sure. By the way, where is Tobi?"

"I KEEEEEELED him, un."

"Did you now. Where's Doctor Barbie's head?"

* * *

"AWWWW! LOOKIT THE WIDDLE POODLE!" Sakura squealed, crushing the poor thing to her chest. The dog wimpered. "He's so pretty I could eat him right up!"

Ino grinned and scratched the dog's ears. "What a lovely Christmas present..." the blonde sighed, petting the poodle.

"I...I w-wonder who let her h-here..." Hinata stammered, blushing.

"I don't know, and don't care. Now what to name her....how about Sasuna?"

Sakura giggled. "No, no, no, no...Sasuki chan!" she crowd happily, rubbing the poodle's tummy.

"H-how about Naruko?" Hinata got out. The poodle whimpered as the three girls began to argue, Sakura and Ino's eyes blazing, while Hinata looked more determind than usual.

"Sasuna!"

"Sasuki!"

"Naruko...."

"Woof."

* * *

Itachi sighed and brushed the edge of his cloak. "Now that Tobi's taken care of, we can go get our partner's Christmas presents."

"Finally, un!"

"This had better be worth all the fucking trouble we went through."

"At least we got rid of Tobi."

* * *

**Author's Comments:** Tobi is now living in Konoha, XD

I wrote this chappi, deleted everything, rewrote it, changed a lot, stared at it for an hour and gave up.

I'm making TWO more chappis after this....WHY do you people always get me to turn my one shots into longer stories?!


	4. Chapter 4

"I hate the mall..." Hidan muttered as he, Itachi and Deidara took the elevator up to the second level.

"Hey, it was your idea to come here, un!" Deidara protested, leaning back against one wall. Surprisingly, the elevator was empty, and rather quiet, with soft music playing in the background.

"But it wasn't my idea to come here dressed as GIRLS! Where did you get these outfits anyway?" Hidan hissed, tugging on his pale lavender skirt disdainfully.

"From Laura at work. You know, that brunette who wants to go to Broadway?" Itachi asked, smoothening the front of his dress.

"At least Laura has good taste, un," Deidara grinned, glancing over his friends.

Hidan was dressed in yet another skirt, but unlike Great Clip's uniform black miniskirt, it was a long, sweeping lavender one, completed by a white tank top. Itachi was in a dress. And not any dress, oh no. A pale pink one, low cut collar, poofy sleeves.....it was no something that the two Akatsuki members thought Itachi would ever wear.

Deidara himself was wearing their boss's favorite shirt, baby blue, ruffled collar, rindstones. Gray miniskirt, thigh length black boots, hair pulled into a long braid....in short, he looked like a girl.

The elevator stopped, doors sliding open. Hidan gulped before stepping out into the bright light, clutching his purse nervously.

"Well...here goes nothing, un."

"If someone pisses me off, can I kill them?"

"That would so not be radical, Hidana."

* * *

"WHY are all the single men in the mall hitting on us?!" Hidan fumed, tugging at his hair. They had agreed to keep to their Great Clips personalities while shopping, but it was proving rather difficult for the Jashinist.

"I dunno, un. Do you think danna would like chocolates?" Deidara asked, picking up a neatly wrapped box of truffles and eying it carefully.

"Daria, he's, like, a puppet. Get him some epical wood or something."

"But-but-but Irene, the whole point of this is to find a gift that expresses what I feel for him," Deidara sighed, putting the box back on the shelf and beginning to walk away, pointedly ignoring the stares that he and his friends were getting. Seemed like every single man in town was in here.

"I found something, though, that's like, so totally cool."

"Irene, you got Kisa-chan a goldfish."

Itachi narrowed his eyes at Hidan, smoothening down his dress again. "Surely you know that MY Kisame loves fish, Hidana?"

"Yes, but I'm pretty sure that like, he won't get where the love confession comes from if you get him a fish...."

Itachi paused, then shrugged. "Like, it so does not matter. I am totally sure Kisa-chan loves me back!"

Deidara rolled his eyes. "Let's go to that radical art supply shop...."

* * *

An hour later, thirteen men had tried to pick up Deidara, seven men and nine woman for Hidan, and currently, the boy helping Deidara find some wood for carving was flirting with Itachi.

The man smiled at Itachi as he handed Deidara the bag filled with carving tools. "Will I see you around, sweetie?"

Itachi laughed, batting his eyelashes. "Maybe, maybe not. My boyfriend is very overprotective, you know."

The man blanched and scuttled away.

"Irene, you're, like, not technically going out with Kisa-chan yet, un."

"I will be soon, Daria. Like, awesome! Not, should we head home?" Itachi asked, heading for the front of the store, but paused when he noticed that they no longer seemed to have Hidan with them. "Where's Hidana?"

"Getting her present for Kuzu-kun, un. Here is comes now," Deidara replied, pointing as Hidan hurried down the aisle, holding a plastic bag close to his chest.

"Are you, like, going to tell us what you got for Kuzu-chan, or what?" Itachi demanded.

"Nuh uh. Let's go."

They could hear yelling for an ambulance as they left. "Hidana, what did you do, un?" Deidara asked, looking over his shoulder as medics raced by.

"Cut off some heathen's leg when he groped me."

"What'd you use?" Itachi asked, smoothening his hair down. "Because, like, you left your scythe at home."

Hidan shrugged and held his bag tighter. "Some knitting needles and a piece of embroidery thread. Why?"

"No reason."

* * *

They had barely gotten out of the mall, heading for the Akatsuki van, when a loud BOOM was heard from behind them.

They whipped around, Itachi's and Hidan's eyes wide as they saw smoke curling up into the wintry gray sky out of the roof of the mall.

Deidara burst into laughter as sirens were heard racing towards the burning building, people running out of it and screaming bloody murder.

"Was that you who did that, Daria?"

"Yep, un! It's much better than half that stuff in the art supply shop,"

"Only because they don't sell explosive clay."

* * *

**Author's Comments:** It's not that funny....sorry....


End file.
